Well, it's the 17th of January at this point, and I feel as if I've hardly talked about the actual purpose of my interim, and how that's been going. Oh wait, I haven't...

For those not familiar, I am working in a medical internship position in Nepal. The purpose of the interim is to complete a humanities-related research project dealing with self-reflection in the face of volunteer work. You might be asking yourself, "what is self-reflection?" One of the things that I've learned of this interim is that there are as many answers to that question as there are people living on Earth. The more and more I go on, and the more people I talk to, the more I understand that everyone is undertaking some sort of self-reflection, albeit unconsciously in most people. But still, what is it?? I suppose most generally it's some sort of conscious analysis of your own thoughts. To that aim, it is important when undertaking self-reflection to do so with maximum objectivity. Although, non-objective work isn't always useless. In fact it can be quite revealing...

When you listen to your thoughts, what is it you hear? For me it was "I want to be a volunteer physician, and I want to help end as much physical suffering as I can." Self-reflection is an attempt to look beyond that. What sort of logic was it that impelled me to that conclusion? Why would I want to be a volunteer physician, where I might be subjected worse conditions and be paid far less than a regular physician? Were there any "spiritual reasons" that came into the decision-making process? And oh yeah, what the heck does "spiritual reasons" mean, anyways? By starting to ask these questions, I've already begun the first stages of self-reflection.

Going back to the objective/non-objective work (yes, occasionally I will actually finish a thought in this blog) and continuing with my own answer as an example, let's go with one of my more general answers. "I feel inclined to become a doctor because I believe in the importance of giving to others. Life is never this simple of course but let's look at life as a continuum of giving and taking. On one end, a person gives and never takes. On the other, a person only takes and never gives. Essentially everyone lies somewhere along that continuum, based on countless reasons. Now let's look at the small portion of that continuum that actually includes free will. It seems quite small actually. Those decisions include (partially) occupation, how we spend our disposable monies, how we spend some of our free time, and so on. This is the source from which I must analyze; the point at which all baser emotions and cravings have their chance to shine. For a poor Nepali man lacking proper nutrition and clothing, whether or not he accepts a free meal from a passerby can say little about his actual character; for him the choice can be a matter of life or death. On the other hand, whether a millionaire living comfortably decides to donate half of his salary to a charity or build a vacation home offers much more insight into self. So, we've got this certain type of choice, and depending on what we choose, we are ultimately giving, taking, or doing some combination of both. For the sake of brevity, let's say that the base emotion underlying taking is greed, and the base emotion for giving is compassion. As such, the choice to become a volunteer physician, in my opinion, expresses a greater give to take ratio than that of a private physician. If I stopped here, It might sound like I was trying to boast some sense of compassion. That's not the case at all. Rather, the point of the the thought is, when we sit down and look at the choice as a matter of being more or less greedy or compassionate, it offers a new, more frank take on the situation. And what does that all mean anyways? At the core of it all, I'm suggesting that compassion is more important than greed. At the end of the day, if it means someone's life might be saved or I can have a new leather jacket, I'd rather the former be the case."

Now that's kind of a complex thought. For many a reader, it probably won't make much sense. In fact, it might not even make sense to me the next time I read it. Welcome to Self-Reflection 101. It's sort of a finnicky subject. Thoughts, motivations, and inclinations are constantly fluctuating. They are constantly being impacted and modified. What was important to me today might hold little significance tomorrow, and vice-versa.

Again, let's take a look at that thought, as a thought. It's just an inkling of all of the thoughts that have surfaced throughout my internship about my own self. Are they objective? Can anything I say ever be entirely objective? Probably not. But if I can't be objective, why bother trying? I wrote earlier than non-objective work can be telling, and I think that still holds true. If looked at that thought and came up with the conclusion that I was just some inherently compassionate person, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that's a rather biased remark. But it still says something about me. It might mean that I have an underlying desire to see myself in some sort of positive, giving light, in order that others might think better of me. If that's the case, the motivations might be borne of greed, rather than compassion. So I say, self-reflection is a tricky subject. With it, I've got to take what I can get, and go with that. Sometimes thoughts come out well and other times they don't. Ultimately, this interim will be a synthesis of all sorts of thoughts and reflections. Hopefully, at the end of all of it, things will come out as some comprehensible whole; an insight into my own self.